its not going well. a lot of texts about betrayal of her, my daughter and the people I pretended to "flock - instead you were getting your joillies watching porn" . I feel like just letting her rant and not respond...
Simon Morley
JoinedPosts by Simon Morley
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Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
Thanks all. I have told my wife about the site, i don't think it would help. It seems her biggest issue (last hour of texts) is my hypocrisy while being an elder and that in promoting certain virtues, moral and religious beliefs I was guilty of violating such beliefs. I am hoping she can get over the initial anger of the betrayal and that reason can set in and I can begin to work at restoring her confidence in me. How should I respond (if at all) to the texts? Just agree and move on....
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100
Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
Doc: Thanks you have a PM
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100
Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
mrsjones5: Thanks, I am starting to come out of the fog a bit more - I think that my wife putting it off till after Xmas is a good sign - if she wanted to destroy me she would have got on the phone first think this morning. I honestly believe the low T is a major contributing factor - I never masturbated frequently - Once over a 6 - 8 week period at most. My hugest fear with intimacy with my wife was the failure to maintain the erection and loose it midway - I wanted to avoid that. Low T also gave me weight problems and HBP (160/120)
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Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
Qcmbr: Thank you - I need to take control I know - it sounds like you just say that I need to ride the problem out and that two realities will emerge 1) she will leave me or 2) stay and there will be consequences both ways. I get that.
Another problem, I have a very low testoterone level (likely damage at birth - I was a breech birth and had testicular damage resulting in hydrocele testis) well below normal levels of 6 or 115 ng/dL and just started therapy for it after two blodd tests - I was boyant and ebulant that this could help us both and then I let this happen. Masturbation was not the cause of this - but it sure did not help my behaviour over the last number of years as it got worse. So when discovered yesterday I thought - no more lies or deciet - come clean and start from there. I tried to explain that much of my behaviour over the last 15 years or so I can trace to this medical problem - she blows this off and focuses on my being a "pervert". But I do not want it to be an excuse, but hope my wife can begin to see that the symptoms are explainable as they are to me.
I can assure you that I am not addicted to porn - it is occasional not every waking hour and it has not got worse. I also do not "find (myself) authentic self is into unlawful stuff or is warping (my) view of (my)self and other people.
Thanks to all - I continue on...
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Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
lp, Soft+Gentle & Resistance: Thank you - I appreciated the way you expressed yourselves. Yes I can see that it has a degrading effect to minimize women and marginalize them via porn. I think she is seeing the masturbation and then choosing that over her as perhaps more damaging than the porn itself - feeling lied to for our entire marriage - the masturbation never left me even after we were married.
Not a good night. My wife is still horribly devastated in that all the years I was an elder this was happening. She says it was bad enough that I dragged them into the religion and that at least she thought I was a decent caring person that counteracted some of the bad she saw. But now i am just as bad and just as bad hypocrite. I do so want to hug her in my arms, i hold back my tears as she says I am just a sociopath and that is manipulative - so i suppress them and that does damage too as coming off as not caring. I wish we could put this behind us and move forward.
She says I have broken everything including her heart. She cannot process the masturbation or the porn - I can understand that but my apologies and deep regret rings hollow with her. She is in horendous tears and anguish and I can see how selfish it was - when I was doing those things I should have thought through the consequences. I don't think she is exaggerating - I do not think my self a bad person or a bad husband but my choices clearly hurt and what she calls my neglect over the years I simply cannot see - am I that blind?
My wife and daughter are very close, my daughter suffered as a JW and has baggage. I can see that she will need to find out and when she does she will be devastated. At least now my wife has promised to wait till after Xmas as this is our third Xmas and she wants it to be special for my daughter and her husband. Add to this that my daughter has health problems adn it could send her into a flare up. Sheesh....what a bastard I am for not thinking through the consequences - rings hollow I know.
I oferred to take couselling and promised never to do it again - that rings hollow right now. I am finding hard to express myself and my silence is not helping - I at least answer each question truthfully and without any deciet.
Hindsight is 20/20 vision and I begin to express how bad I feel for my wife and eventually when my daughter finds out. I honestly do not think i can live with them both hurt. the shame yes, the hurt no.
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Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
Thanks for the input - I am off to bed (basement couch) as I have work in the morning.
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Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
fakesmile: I know where you are coming from - she has not done nything wrong in tha score - when we have intimacy it is very close and loving. I just can't come to terms with the digust she feels. Maybe I just see what tomorrow brings.
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100
Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
Thanks lp: that was a huge help. It was not violent, rape, or kiddie porn BTW: You advice is appreciated especially coming from a womans perspective.
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100
Need Some Tough Love & Help
by Simon Morley innot sure how to approach this but here goes.....my wife discovered a porn site on the computer tonight.
yes, i was going to them, and i was foolish to think i could never get caught.
i have been visiting them for some years, not a daily problems, but occasionaly every month or so - still a problem wethere its once or a hundred times.
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Simon Morley
I am glad you all have a good perspective. I am going to just see if the dust settles. At least I have admitted to it - I feel better from that, just not that my wife is so terribly hurt buy it all.